


Memories of Times Forgotten

by cats_and_dr_pepper



Series: Two Dorks Against the World [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, Ants, Bones needs to punch something, Dorks in Love, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff later I promise, Genderbending, Hilarity Ensues, Ice, It's not really character death, Jim is a girl, Jim needs a hug, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oblivious Spock, STID, She's pretty chill about it, Some sad bits too, Space Husbands, Star Trek: Into Darkness, Star Trek: Into Darkness Spoilers, This is probably a lot more sad than i'm implying, Tomato Soup, a new take on death, and what the fuckery, bones sees red, bones sets uhura on spock, dorks who don't confess till it's too late, ice needles, like the best tomato soup ever, lots of jokes, repressed feelings, some fluffy bits, sorta - Freeform, spirk, spock needs a hug, uhura scares admirals with ants, uhura will rule the world, we know it happens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-05-23
Packaged: 2018-05-25 05:31:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6182440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cats_and_dr_pepper/pseuds/cats_and_dr_pepper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim Kirk, on her way to fix the warp core, reminisces on her life.</p><p>Or rather, two dorks confess a little too late, and Spock is a twerp.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Part One: James T. Kirk**

 

_ This _ , I thought to myself as I almost tripped down a hallway of my precious ship,  _ fucking sucks.  _ The gravity simulators were only working for short bursts, so at any moment down could become right and left could become up. The whole ship was stuttering in and out of power, and it was a miracle that we all weren’t dead yet.  _ But, I suppose, the universe still has evil plans for James T. Kirk. _ Scotty grabbed me just as the gravity went wonky again, and I don’t know how he knew that I was going to fall down that hallway, but he did, and he caught me. Thanks Scotty. 

“Captain, it’s only a bit more to engineering!” The poor man yelled.  _ Scotty, If I could breathe, I’d yell thank you. _ Scotty and I were sprinting on the walls of my ship, doing our damnedest to get to engineering to somehow fix it. Running along the decks was extremely disorienting- it was like something out of that old Earth story Alice in Wonderland, everything upside down and backwards. I winced and groaned as my chest tried to fly away. Fuck running, honestly. It can fuck right off to the eighth circle of hell with hangnails and alarm clocks. Why I bought a bra that wasn’t meant for running I don’t know, but after today I’m tossing it out the airlock. I end up doing a lot of running now that I have a desk job. Isn’t that great. Believe me, it’s just spectacular.

It took us only one or more two minutes to get to engineering, but when your ship is plummeting to Earth at well over 700 miles per hour, seconds cost lives. My lungs were burning. Burning a whole lot. It felt like I was breathing in hot coals, but I didn’t dare slow my sprint. We leaped over another hallway, and I yelled as someone plummeted down. I couldn’t stop to help, I couldn’t help, really. The only way to save lives was to get the warp core back online so that we could slow our fall. Khan can go fuck himself with his super dick, he was hurting my family, my ship. 

Gravity mercifully cranked on and then stayed there, mostly, so getting into engineering was a lot easier. We kept running to the warp chamber. 

"The radiation would kill us, Captain! We can't make the climb!" Scotty was telling me. "We'd die before we even got to the chamber, and what good'd that do us?"

He was going to hold this over me for a long time after this. "You're right Scotty."

"Captain, we can't- wait, what?" He sounded shocked that I had agreed with him. I glanced back at his face and almost smiled at the gobsmacked look on his face.

"I said you're right." I turned to him, taking a deep breath and clenching my fist. "We're not making the climb." I knocked him out before he even had a chance to look too shocked that I was throwing a punch. I picked him up, grunting, and slumped him into his chair. “Jesus Christ, you need to lay off the moonshine.” I started for the door, then doubled back and clicked the button for his seat belt. “Godspeed.” And into the sealed room I went. 

It burned. The radiation was burning me. Every cell in my body was screaming in agony, every touch felt like a white hot iron pressing into my skin, every movement felt like I was crawling through flames. It hurt, oh god it hurt- but I had to go on. I couldn't stop; if the crash didn’t kill everyone, Khan would if I didn't get the warp engines online. I shrieked when the gravity went wonky again, slamming me into the wall. 

I figured I must have hit my head something, because suddenly, I wasn't in the cramped tunnel to the warp chamber anymore. I wasn't even on the Enterprise anymore. I was in a club, a glass of bourbon in my hand, quietly observing some Starfleet cadets get drunk and start fights.

 

_ Cigarette smoke was thick in the air, covering everything in a haze that could be cut with a knife. A small platter of peanuts was by my elbow, and every now and then I’d pop one in my mouth for something to chew on. The bar was dark, but red-tinted light shone on some of the booths and the dance floor. The music was loud, almost too loud, but because it was a club, nobody cared if their eardrums ruptured, so it was just right. The floor was polished oak, slightly scuffed from the many shoes and heels that had slipped and slid on the spilled drinks. The walls were dark, the seats red leather, the crowd relatively good, but always up for a good fight. The only thing that was majorly different about this club from any other club down the district, was that it catered to the extremely rowdy and energetic Starfleet cadets whenever they had a break from the academy. It was like spring break on steroids.  _

_ Nearly every other bar and club in the small town just outside of the academy had banned them. They started fights like it was the last day of their lives, like it was the only thing they were capable of doing. Which was why I was keeping an eye on them; I was great friends with the owner of the establishment, Erica. So I had made her a deal. I’d provide my bouncer services for her in exchange of one drink a night. Most of the time I had one of the local seasonal beers, hard cider, IPA, whatever, but on rowdy nights Erica would give me a scotch or bourbon with a cool ice cube to sip menacingly. It worked out. All the money she saved from the property damage that I was controlling more than made up for a glass of bourbon, she insisted, so yippee for me. Hell yeah I’d like a bourbon.  _

_ I was watching a couple of beefy Starfleet cadets that were being particularly rowdy. The red uniforms they were wearing were disheveled and slightly stained, making a mockery of what Starfleet cadets should have been. They were all bigger than me, and had probably chosen to be security officers for their career in Starfleet. The point being that they knew how to fight. Fight, and fight well. They were arguing loudly, yelling about who could pick up a girl the fastest, who had the best pickup lines, and who could bang a girl the longest. Bunch of heartbreakers, the lot of them. They were attractive enough to lure a girl in, but hearing them talk about their habits was making me see red. But I wouldn't dare get up from my very comfy bar stool until a someone threw a punch or grabbed a girl. I liked this bar, and I didn't want Erica to have to ban me. _

_ I watched the biggest one meander off to the dance floor, the rest following his lead a few seconds later. They singled out this one girl, Amanda. She was a regular here and a great kid. Never drank, just a diet coke and a great time was all she wanted every Friday. They started hounding her for a good time, reaching out to try and grab her. It progressed to the point where I slammed my drink on the counter, got up, and stalked over to them, a murderous glare on my face. The regulars saw me coming from a mile away, and quickly vacated the floor, choosing instead to either go grab a drink, eat something, go home, or sit down for a bit. Some of the other cadets noticed, and followed after the crowd confusedly. The designated drivers all spun around to watch, and a few bets were made. Soon it was only the more oblivious people on the floor and my targets. The regulars knew that the club wasn't the place to start fights; they knew from experience that I would put the fear of god into whoever started one. The cadets, who were only here a few times a year, didn't know that. _

_ Amanda had started struggling, and the security-trainees didn't like that very much. Amanda turned towards me, and let out a sigh of relief when she caught my eye."James! Thank goodness you're here! They’re scaring me." She sounded even more scared than she looked, but at the same time relieved that I was here. The goons looked around stupidly for a dude named James, not realizing that I was, in fact, he. She. Whatever. Sometimes I was grateful for my male name, though, it really helped on getting close and picking fights. Amanda squeezed out of the group of apes while they were distracted, ran up to me and gave me a hug, silver cross dangling at her neck. "James, they scared me... don't let them take me, please." She was crying, big fat tears slipping down her cheeks. I put my arm around her protectively. _

_ "It'll be okay, Amanda." I said, my eyes not leaving the idiots. The DJ shut off the music. "I'll make sure of it." _

_ A quick fight, several won bets, and a split lip later, I grabbed the three of them by the backs of their collars and shoved them out into the street. I dusted off my hands and swiped at the blood on my face as they groaned in a pile of stupidity. _

_ "What in the name of the Enterprise is going on here?!" An older fellow broke in, wearing an admiral's crisp white and gray uniform. _

_ "Do you want the short answer or the long one?" I wiped the new blood from my lip, swiping my hand on my jeans. _

_ "An answer!" He said, still slightly shocked at seeing three Starfleet cadets moaning in the street. _

_ "Short answer: their IQ is lower than your average amoeba. Long answer: they were ganging up on a girl half their size. If I hadn't broken in when I did, I would not be surprised if I was taking a rape victim to the hospital in the morning. Admiral, control your cadets." I flipped my hair, cocked a hip, and stalked back to the bar, where the clubbing resumed. _

_ No one was allowed to hurt my friends. _

 

I was at the end of the tunnel.  _...What? _ I looked back and saw bloody handprints along the metal grating, all the way back to where I had zoned out. I had no idea how much time had passed. I glanced at my hands and realized that the grating was getting hot. Very hot, it had left ugly blisters on my hands. I shook it off and continued on, the door to the warp chamber in my sights. I didn't know why I had zoned out, but Amanda had somehow secured a spot in the science program at Starfleet. She had died while helping people during Nero's massacre of Starfleet ships. The club was still there, and my deal with Erica was still active, although she did get a big assistant to do my job while I wasn't there. Real nice guy, in a biker gang, liked to talk about gardening. He was cool. Not as cool as me, but pretty close. 

I wiped the sweat off my forehead, letting out a shaky breath as I continued down the last few yards to the warp chamber.

 

_ I was thirteen years old. Running through the wheat fields on our farm barefoot, trying to get to the one spot my step dad, Frank, wouldn't be able to follow. I had done something in his eyes that had warranted a beating- he was drunk and mom was off-planet. There was no one to protect me this time. _

_ I leapt over a wooden fence; just on the other side was thick woods, where he would have difficulty following because of his beer belly. I landed hard on the balls of my feet on the other side. I felt the pop more than heard it, and the sound was like knuckles cracking. My leg shifted an inch, but my foot didn’t move. It hurt about as much as you’d expect it to. I was scared to look at my foot, but I would have to if I wanted to get away. I hesitantly looked at my it, and whimpered when I saw the angle that it was bent. It was dislocated. I wouldn't be able to run anymore. Shit on a shingle this was bad.  _

_ Then I heard Frank stumbling through the bushes near the fence. I looked at my ankle again, steeled my nerves, and got up. It once again hurt like you would expect it to, like I was trying to run on a bleeding stump instead of a foot. Needless to say, I almost passed out- but I stumbled on. I tried to put as little weight as possible on it, if at all, hopping on my other foot for as long as I could, but as the shadows grew longer, I was seeing more and more stars. Not the pretty ones in the sky, either, but the ones that danced across your vision like malicious pixies that threatened to make you fall asleep and get killed by your raging stepfather. _

_ It was then that I saw it. The small cabin, way out in the woods that was my secret place to go and hide. It wasn't perfect by any means, in actuality it was falling apart. It had a huge hole in the roof, the roof tiles were covered in moss, the windows were missing, the wood was rotting, and I was positive that a good strong wind would blow it over. I was pretty sure that the only reason it hadn't collapsed yet was because of the ivy holding it together by the skin of their teeth. Roots. Whatever. I stumbled into the gaping hole where the door used to be, and practically fell onto the small bed of old pillows and soft blankets I had gathered there across the years. My ankle had turned a nasty shade of dark purple, and it throbbed painfully in time with my heartbeat. I didn't know how to fix it, and I had the brief thought that I could die here. I couldn't go back, and I couldn't stay. This cabin was a death trap, I couldn’t walk, and Frank would hurt me if I went back.  _

_ I stared at the stars through the hole in the roof, and wished that I could fly. _

 

My hands were on the door. I didn't even bother to ponder the last vision, because I knew, I felt in my very _ bones _ that we were getting  _ dangerously _ close to Earth. I opened it as fast as I could and rushed into the chamber.

The metallic pile of cables, wires, machines, and panels was ominous, and the place I needed to go was right at the top. Where there should have been a smooth flow of clean energy, there stood only a lopsided and disconnected pillar. If I were as strong as Spock I might have been able to just shove it back into place, but since I was human, weak, dying, and a  _ girl _ with wide hips and weaker muscles I might not be able to. I shook my head as the ship lurched.

One problem at a time. Up the junk pile. 

 

_ "Mommy, why is my name James?" A four year old me asked my tired mother after a long day at work. Mom looked at me and smiled sadly, her eyes distant. _

_ "Well, the doctor who was helping me on the day you were born didn't speak English very well. He mixed up 'boy' and 'girl', so he told me you were a boy when you were in fact a very pretty young lady." My mother giggled and pinched my cheeks. I pouted and shook my head to make her let go. Honey blonde curls bounced around my chin, and a blue ribbon with silver stars on it fell to the floor. _

_ Mommy picked up the ribbon and spun me around to tie my hair up again. _

_ "So... you named me James?" _

_ "Well, your Daddy told me that he wanted to name you James. After my Dad, your grandpa. So when he died, I... I wanted to name you James too. James isn't a bad name. It's a good, strong name. Your Daddy was a hero, Jamie. So when Starfleet told me that he wasn't coming home..." Her eyes looked sparkly for some reason. I realized they were tears. "When they told me that he wasn't coming home, I kept your name James; I named you after a hero." _

_ Little four-year-old me frowned. "Mommy, I want to be a hero. Just like Daddy." _

 

I was halfway up the warp command grid, which was a little over a quarter of the way up the pile. I blinked. _ What the shit…?  _ I shook my head and reached up to grab a thick cable so I could haul myself up further. The metal was hot, and all I wanted to do was let go of it, lie down, and fall asleep. Sweat was dripping into my eyes, and  my hair was sticking to my forehead. At least the elastic hadn’t broken with all the action today. Why was I climbing again? Why couldn't I lie down? I was really tired…

_ No! No, I have to save the ship! I have to-… I have to… save everybody… _

 

_ I knew that entering a new code in the Kobayashi Maru test was bound to get me torn a new one, but I just couldn't leave it well enough alone now, could I? No, not Jim Kirk, obnoxious cadet extraordinaire. It was designed to be undefeated, a huge expectation placed upon new cadets. Well we’ll just have to see now, huh? _

_ The Kobayashi Maru. The test that no one has ever passed. Until today, if you're lucky. _

_ To be fair, all that I did was enter three possible ways that someone could win. The fact that a Vulcan designed the test only helped me in this instance, he knew it would be perfect. No need to check the codes until it started malfunctioning, like all tests did. I knew it was only a matter of time until the insufferable instructor checked over the base codes for the program and noticed my three strings of numbers. But until then, there were three ways for someone to win. Only three ways to win in a seemingly limitless number of ways to lose. Still pretty unfair, and I and made sure that winning was almost impossibly difficult- even for me; but it was still there. _

_ If you don’t like the game, change the rules.  _

_ There is always a way to win. _

 

I was at the top. I tried shoving the pillar back into place, but after a few tries I had to try it at a different angle. I hung onto a bar that was conveniently right where I needed it to be- if perhaps a bit higher. My hands were slick with blood and busted blisters, but adrenaline took away the pain.  _ Bones is going to lynch me for this.  _

I put all my years of fighting, gymnastics, and momentum into slamming my feet into the pillar. It groaned, but didn't move. I slammed my feet into it again and again, each time getting more desperate until I was yelling.

"WHY THE HELL WON'T YOU _ MOVE _ , GODDAMN IT?!" I slammed my feet into it again, and it groaned. “ _ FUCK YOU! _ ”

It didn't shift.

I started to cry.  _ Spock _ , I thought brokenly,  _ I'm sorry, I couldn't do it... I'm so sorry. _

 

_ It was the day after the incident with Nero was done, Bones had let me slip away to lick my wounds in peace, and everyone else was celebrating in a bar back in San Francisco. I didn't really want to celebrate just yet. Yeah, I was glad this whole thing was over and done with, but I just wanted some time alone to think about all of my classmates that had died in the first battle with Nero. _

_ It seemed like everyone else had forgotten about them. _

_ Not me. _

_ Amanda was on one of the Miranda-class ships. The USS Angora. Hers was the first to arrive, and the first to fall. I mourned the bright young girl whom I had saved from those stupid cadets just a few short years ago. I had a bottle of Vodka in my hand, still sealed. I didn't want to start drinking yet, but the bottle was certainly calling my name at this point. I wondered how Spock must feel- his entire planet, along with most of his species gone. If I was this bad over a considerably small number of people in comparison, he must have felt as if he carried the weight of over a thousand suns on his shoulders. _

_ I sniffed, scrubbing my eyes with the sleeve of my new Command-Gold colored, Starfleet-issue captain's shirt. Stupid thing wasn’t even comfy, it was itchy as all hell. What a joke. I sat down on a rock on the bank of the stream I had found out in the redwood trees. The water was perfectly clear, and it sparkled in the moonlight. A random piece of trivia popped into my head. _

I think ‘vodka’ means ‘water’ in Russian. _ I thought to myself dryly.  _ Boy, do they know how to party _. I quickly unsealed the bottle, and was about to take a swig when I heard someone coming from the trail I had taken to get here. I froze, not wanting to talk to anybody. _

_ "Captain?" I heard a familiar deep voice say. _

_ "Spock?" I let out a breath, shocked. And a little bit relieved. He’ll never know. "What are you doing way out here? It's cold- you'll freeze!" My voice gave no hint as to the heavy heart I had been sporting a few seconds earlier. I put on my normal face for his benefit. I knew that even with his prized Vulcan control, he was still feeling the shock and grief of losing his mother. Not even that could cover up emotions that strong. _

_ "I do find myself desiring warmer temperatures at the moment, thank you for your concern." Which was Spock for 'I'm fine.' _

_ "Well... if you get too uncomfortable, let me know." He raised a perfectly arched eyebrow at me, looking incredulous from the corner of his eye. _

_ He stood in silence for a few minutes, before finally saying something. "Do you mind if I sit with you?" _

_ A crease formed between my eyebrows at the odd request, but nodded my head, saying- "Sure," absently. The incredibly tall and rather cute Vulcan gracefully settled next to me on the mossy rock I had perched on, and sighed so softly that I almost didn't hear, but I knew my friend better than he thought. I knew better than to say anything, though- it was better for him to come out with it on his own, so I wordlessly offered him the vodka. He stared at it for a few seconds, but took it anyways. _

_ I stared out at the water. The shattered reflection of the moon stared back at me, and it seemed to look into my soul. _

_ "James." _

_ "Hmm?" I looked up. He handed the bottle back to me, a decent amount of the strong liquid gone. "Oh, thanks." I took a swallow, and handed it back.This continued, and the tips of my fingers were starting to feel warm when he finally broke. I could hold my liquor about as well as a Vulcan, practice and all that, so I was only as buzzed as he was. He didn't really break, per say, but the vodka did it's job well, and let the words flow easier. It started the conversation. _

_ "What are you doing all the way out here while the rest of the crew is celebrating?" _

_ I closed my eyes. "Personal reasons." I huffed a laugh. “They’re a bunch of Howling Commandos, aren’t they?” My voice kind of sputtered off, and I know he noticed. He was a dunce, but he wasn’t a dummy. I found myself wanting to tell him why I was here. Why I was the way I was, why I had been such a jerk to him- although I didn't really know that one myself. Smooth, Jim. Smooth. Like Crunchy peanut butter. _

_ "That is not sufficient information." _

_ "You're right," I paused, more vodka slipping down my throat, eyes still closed. "I'm mourning." I opened them to gaze back at his slightly shocked expression. _

_ "What is there for you to mourn?" He asked me, a touch of confusion coloring his voice. Oi. Twerp. _

_ "A good friend of mine, a sister, really, was on the USS Angora. It was the first ship to be destroyed by Nero. I'm also mourning the souls of all of my other classmates that died that day." I swallowed. "I mourn those lost on the Enterprise due to my stupidity." I chuckled dryly. "Thousands of people total, and only one bottle of vodka. I know you must feel worse though." _

_ "Those deaths were not your fault, James-" _

_ "Call me Jim. James is my father." _

_ He paused. "...Jim, those deaths are not on your hands. Nero was the one who killed them, not you." His chocolate brown eyes looked black as pitch in the low light. "I do not see why you are blaming yourself; there is almost nothing that you could have done to save more lives. You are a hero." _

_ I gave him a small smile, still looking into his eyes. "Then why do you blame yourself for your planet's destruction?" Let the world know that I, James Tiberius Kirk, have the ability to make a Vulcan look like a kitten doused in ice water. A shocked, scared, and soaking wet kitten. "There's nothing more you could have done. And believe me, I'm pretty sure I've thought of every single way you could have saved them, but none of them could have prevented great loss." I paused. "At least you saved your history. You saved everyone that you possibly could. And sometimes, that's the best you can do..." _

 

_ THUMP. _

I remembered that day. It was the day I started to fall in love with him.

_ THUMP. _

That prat, he was so oblivious…

 

_ "OW!" I yelled. "BONES! That hurts!" _

_ "Well, you shouldn't have gotten into yet another bar fight!" He snapped right back at me as he dabbed a cut on my temple with disinfectant. "I'm getting tired of picking glass out of your fists!" _

_ “Ah, jeez! Bones! That stings! You used the sting stuff!” I was sitting on an uncomfortable chair in the middle of Med Bay, and Bones was now picking up tweezers to get some random shard of glass in the cut. "And I didn't start it! I never do! I just break up fights and it gets violent. And it wasn't a bar fight!" I held up a defiant finger. I ignored my skinned knuckles.  _

_ He scoffed. "Yeah. Right." _

_ "Captain?" Spock walked in. "You are needed on the Bridge." His eyebrows rose when he saw McCoy picking glass out of my head. "What, pray tell, happened this time?" He sounded slightly resigned. _

_ "A girl was about to get raped! What was I supposed to do, pull out the popcorn and watch!? No! That's not who I am!" I defended myself. "And if Starfleet can't handle that, well they're just gonna have to fuckin deal with it." I was silent from then on. _

_ Spock surprised me with what he said next. "It is... a justified reason. I am sure that the woman you saved is grateful for your actions." _

_ "...She wasn't a woman." I glared at the floor. "When I say girl, I mean a girl." _

_ McCoy dropped his tweezers. They landed in my lap and slid to the floor with a clatter. Spock my first officer looked shocked. It was hard to tell, but if you knew him you would be able to see the subtle widening of his eyes. _

_ "...How old?" _

_ I looked at my two friends from under my lashes, but couldn't hold their gaze. Looking down, I continued. "She looked about seven." They were silent. _

_ Bones stared at me for a few seconds, before sighing, a soft chuckle escaping his lips. "A little girl will grow up, her innocence still intact because Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise put the fear of god into- how many?" _

_ "Four," I said gruffly. _

_ "-four guys. She'll grow up knowing that she's worth it. How many kids look up to you now? How many kids will want to grow up to be just like you? Damn it Jim, you just can't stop being a hero, can you?" He shook his head, a smirk-like grin on his face. _

_ "Nope," I replied, popping the 'p'. "As long as there's a kid holding in their cries somewhere, I'll be there. Kids shouldn't cry, they've got their entire childhood to be happy. If I have to live forever- I'll do it. I'd do almost anything to make them stop crying. They deserve better." _

_ "I believe you are right, Jim. No child deserves what almost happened." My first officer agreed. "What was her name?" _

_ “You’re not gonna like it Bones, but her name was Joanna.” I heard something break. “-Moving on- why am I needed on the bridge? What's going down?" _

_ "We have a new mission. You are needed on the bridge for a briefing." The Vulcan informed me.  _

_ "Alright. Bones, are we done?" I looked up to him. _

_ "Just about," he grumbled. Just one more moment- there we go." He slapped a bandage on my forehead. _

_ "OW!" _

 

_ THUMP. _

I never did see Joanna again…

_ THUMP-skritch _ ... The pillar made a strange noise.

 

_ "Hey Spock," I walked up to him on our way off the Enterprise for shore leave. "Is there anything you want to do over vacation?" I grinned a sunshiney smile.  _

_ He looked over to me, and smiled in a way that only Spock could.  _ Which was _ \- not very well, not immediately evident, and not really a smile except by Vulcan standards. "Hello, Jim. I had planned to visit the national library, there are several texts that I would like to study." He paused. "Would you like to join me?" _

_ My eyes widened. "I would love to! Do you have a ride?" I jumped in happiness, before grimacing. "Youch!" I whispered. "Spock, be glad you're not a girl- boobs hurt." _

_ All I got was a raised eyebrow. "I do not have a current mode of transportation, but I am sure I will be able to find a shuttle for us to take." His face was more relaxed than it normally was, which was Spock for 'I'm glad you're coming with me.' _

_ “Oh you don't have to catch a shuttle, that a waste of credits. I can give you a ride." I offered. "It'll be quicker, I'll have more fun- I don't know about you, but I think you'll enjoy it, and I need to start that old thing up anyways. What do you say?" I looked into his eyes hopefully. _

_ He tilted his head a little to the right. "What vehicle do you have?" _

_ I smiled. _

 

_ "When you said 'a sweet ride' as a response to my inquiry, I had made the assumption based on your behavioral patterns that you were speaking of a car. Possibly antique," He spoke flatly, staring at the things I had just given him."Not… this. Although true to your pattern of being extremely difficult to predict, I should have known." _

_ "Oh quiet, you. Put on your helmet and my jacket, you'll freeze otherwise." I replied, mounting my bike. "I know that Vulcan is much warmer than Earth, and you yourself are particularly adverse to cold temperatures. Put on the jacket, and let me know if you get too cold." It was winter in San Francisco, and I knew that the Vulcan's core body temperature was several degrees cooler than my own. When you live on a desert planet, you have no need for a higher body temperature.  _ Hey… cuddling might be pretty awesome actually… _ I shook that thought out of my head and tried not to blush.  _

_ "Jim, are you positive that this is safe?" Spock intoned from behind the bike. He sounded a little nervous. _

_ "Yes. I wouldn't have offered if anything were wrong. Get on, Spock, I won't let us crash." I smirked at him from under my visor, and started chuckling at how out of character he looked in the faded black leather jacket and shiny black helmet. _

_ "I do not see the reason you are laughing, Jim." His cheeks were tinged green. _

_ I laughed harder. He looked at his shoes."No! No! You look great! It's just strange to see you out of uniform, and it looks good on you! I was just surprised, Spock, there's no need to feel self conscious." I quickly consoled him. "Now get on, we're losing daylight." Spock looked at the bike apprehensively, but got on behind me. "Do you think you'll need gloves? I have some, they're in the inside pocket of my jacket." _

_ He pulled them on, a silent thank you in the air. He put his arms around me as I started the bike, and as I pushed us off, the heavy motorcycle teetering for a second before stabilizing, I felt like Spock almost broke my ribs with how tightly he squeezed."Whoa Spock, off the boobs, I only have two of 'em." I squeaked before we really started going. I took an exaggerated breath once he loosened his Vulcan Death Grip. _

_ "I apologize." He mumbled into my back. _

_ I smiled, not that he could see it. "It's alright." _

_ It took us only about forty minutes to reach the library at the speed I was going. Once we got there, I cruised around the parking building, looking for a good spot. The national library in Sacramento, California was the biggest library in the world. So big, it didn't really have a name. It was basically the library that was the “That one there, the big one” of people trying to give directions everywhere. Even in other countries. Hooray for a big building with books! _

_ I saw a spot right next to the elevators, and quickly nabbed it before anyone else could. I had powered down the bike and started to take off my helmet, when I realized that Spock hadn't moved. _

_ "Spock? You okay, buddy?" I twisted around to look at his face. He was very pale and shaking slightly. "Spock!" I cried out in alarm. "Why didn't you tell me you were freezing?!" I quickly put down the bike rest, wiggled out of his grip, and got off the bike to face him. _

_ He was moving very slowly, and he seemed stiff. I grabbed his still-gloved hands and took off the leather gloves as fast as I dared. His hands were about as cold as ice, which was very bad. I didn’t bother about the Vulcan touch-telepathy when I rubbed his fingers, hoping that the friction would warm them. It was too cold to worry about him reading how worried I was about him. When it didn't warm him as fast as I needed it to, I sandwiched his hands under my arms. _

_ "…I did not wish to worry you." He spoke softly. "You had already given me your only jacket, as well as your gloves. I was aware that even with your higher body temperature, the air is still considered frigid here." _

_ I frowned. "Is that Spock for 'I didn't want to be a bother'?" I raised an expectant eyebrow at him. He shifted on the bike. “And Spock it’s fifty degrees and misty, not ten below and snowing, I will be perfectly fine.” _

_ "I believe that is an adequate translation into 'Jim'," he conceded. "Jim? My hands are... warm." There was a green tinge on his cheeks. _

_ "Hmm?" I looked down, and realized that with the way I was pressing his hands to my body, his palms were pressing into my chest. "Ooh, so scandalous." I let him go, and he flexed his fingers a few times. "You okay now?" I asked him. _

_ "Yes. Thank you." His cheeks were still green. _

_ I pressed my lips together in a sly smile. "You need a hug, too?" I waggled my eyebrows. "Because I can give you a nice one…" I continued to talk at him as I secured the bike, stored the helmets, and walked to the library. _

_ We had a great time enjoying each other's company in the library, with nothing but silence and a few choice books to mark the passage of time. Spock picked up a textbook or three for a paper he would work on during the three week leave, I picked up some odds and ends for the quiet times in the temporary apartment I was entitled to as a captain. The shirt was itchy but everything else was cool.  _

_ Spock did not object when I handed him my sweatshirt for him to wear under the jacket. I think it was mostly due to the glare I leveled at him when he looked unsure. I gladly suffered cold and stiff fingers for him. Because he was my friend. _

_ And if it meant saving him, even from cold weather, I would tear the world apart.  _

_ The twerp kept my sweatshirt.  _

I realized that I was reliving the moments that made me who I was today. Which meant that I had one more before I was done. There was only one other time that made me into James T. Kirk. I had to hurry.

I swung back on the bar as far as I possibly could, and slammed my feet on the pillar.

It snapped back into place, and a thundering roar followed it. The blast that came from the energy reconnecting was strong, and I tumbled to the floor. I groaned at the sharp crack that my back made, but stumbled to my feet.

 

_ Where…? The… the door… _ I found my way over to the steel opening, and shut the heavy thing behind me as I staggered my way back to Scotty. When I got to the cramped tunnel, I felt tears slip down my cheeks, hot and sticky. I collapsed onto all fours, and started down the tunnel.

_ Flash! _

"Everything's fine, mom. It's just food's a little tight, that's all. There's no need to take a shuttle here, you're on a mission!" My first big lie to my mother. I hadn't eaten in two days.

_ Flash! _

Slowly watching my cousins starve to death on Tarsus IV.

_ Flash! _

Beating a man for an old loaf of bread. I was only a kid.

_ Flash! _

Feeling my body grow weaker with each passing day.

_ Flash! _

My periods stopped coming, and I knew that I was starving.

_ Flash! _

Lying on the dry and cracked earth, too weak to get up, watching the stars and praying.

_ Flash! _

No help arriving. Most of my cousins were dead.

_ Flash! _

Running my hands over my ribs, counting each one as my fingers dragged over them.

_ Flash! _

Being picked up in strong arms, fear coursing through me at the thought of a rapist.

_ Flash! _

The strong arms were cool, and rather comforting when I put it together that they weren't hurting me.

_ Flash! _

Being set down on a soft surface, the low hum of voices overhead. I opened my eyes as far as they would go-which was barely a crack to peek through, and seeing men and women rushing around, helping people.

_ Saved. _

 

I was suddenly collapsed by the glass door that blocked the radiation from flooding the ship _. What…? How did I get all the way over here? _ I looked over, and saw that the door was still open, still letting a bunch of the radiation in.

I heard Scotty speaking. "Engineering to Bridge. Mr. Spock." He paused, probably listening to a response. "Sir, you'd better get down here." Scotty looked over at me. "Better hurry."

I blinked a few times, trying to remember how I'd gotten all the way here so quickly. More time had passed than I thought, because I was roused from my thoughts by the sound of Spock running into the room.

"Jim!" He darted over to the door, and stood there, shocked. He looked at Scotty. "Open it."

"The decontamination process is not complete; you'd flood the whole compartment." Scotty's voice was shaking. "The door's locked, sir."

I saw Spock swallow hard, and he knelt by the door. I grunted as I pushed myself into a sitting position. I leaned against the wall tiredly. I reached up, the effort of doing so nearly making me pass out, but I fumbled for the switch that would close the door to the chamber. I hit it, and the door sealed. I let my hand drop.

"…How's the ship?" I whispered, blinking slowly at Spock.

He looked at me, quickly ascertaining the state I was in. "Out of danger." He spoke softly, grief clear in his voice.

"Good." I panted.

"You saved the crew."

I looked him in the eye. "You used what he wanted against Khan… that's a nice move…" My vision grew slightly fuzzy, and I blinked to clear it.

He swallowed again. "It is what you would have done."

"This-" I swallowed and took a breath. "This is what you would have done. It was only logical," I chuckled, but it quickly turned into a sob. "I'm scared, Spock-" I swore quietly. "-help me not be… how do you choose not to feel?" I didn't think I was capable of speaking any louder than a whisper, and the broken sobs escaping my throat wasn't making it any easier.

Spock looked like what I imagined having your beating heart carved out felt like. He shook his head a little, barely moving. "I do not know." He paused. "Right now I am failing."

Let the world know, that once again, James T. Kirk made the untouchable Vulcan look like a kitten doused in ice-water. And left out in the cold to die. Jeez I’m an asshole.

What Spock had said put no end to the fear in my heart, but I shook it off as best I could.

"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die." I raised my voice just the tiniest bit that I could manage. "Why I went back for you that day-" A cough escaped my mouth, preventing me from saying what I meant to.

Spock finished. "Because you are my friend."

I smiled. "And-…" I drew in a breath. It was getting harder. "And-… not only do I consider you… my friend… but… Spock, I've fallen for you." My vision started to fade, and my eyes widened in fear. I put my hand against the glass, searching for some support of any kind. "I... I’ve fallen for you, and what a gl-glorious fall it's been, Spock."

The human side of himself that he had tried so hard to suppress for years was fully emerged now. Emotions ran across his face so quickly, that it was a wonder that he had any Vulcan DNA at all. He slowly placed his hands opposite mine, subconsciously forming the sign for respect, hello, and farewell with his fingers. And in that gesture, I understood everything that he didn't have the time to say.

He loved me too. And I was happy. I spread my fingers to match his, and smiled as I drifted into the black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim wonders what the fuck just happened.

**Part Two: Call me Jim…**

_ It was cold. _

Not a bad cold, not a cold that worked its way into your bones and burned your skin, but a nice cold. Like a cool breeze or getting under the sheets of a nice bed. A pleasant and cool feeling. The cold was a little annoying after a while though, it never changed. There was no wind to stir the air, no movement to vary the temperature or give me something to feel against my skin. There was just… nothingness. There were no scents in the lack of wind- if it was even air at all. There was no ground beneath me, I was floating, but at the same time I was not. It was odd, I couldn't feel anything, and I didn't think I was breathing, but I wasn't scared. Like there was no  _ need _ to breathe or feel anything yet.

_ Where the hell am I? Why am I here? Why can’t I see anything? Am I blind? That would suck. Colossally. The level of suck would be huge. On the level of dying? I dunno. Of losing Spock? That oblivious dummy? Nah. Not as much suck as that.  _

_ Although it would suck to never feast my eyes on him again. Wide shoulders, narrow hips, eyes like molten milk chocolate, voice like a baritone engine roar… great ass, too. His hands are really pale. Well, not pale, he’s got a tan I guess, but not flushed. They aren’t green at all. I know my hands are pink, they always are, my palms are pink, my fingertips are always pink, I’m a very pink person. Maybe I’m always blushing. Maybe not though, maybe he’s just always pale. Nimble fingers, always has nicely trimmed nails. _

And then it hit me. I was here. Spock was not. I sure as hell didn't see my dad, my cousins, or my great-grandma Wilma anywhere, so I guessed that the whole 'your soul goes to heaven' BS was, in fact, BS. I would never see him again. And that hurt. It was then that I realized that I could feel pain. A dull ache reverberated throughout my entire body, much less than the constant fire of the radiation, but pain was pain. It hurts _. That's why people don't like it, dummy _ . My head told me. I thought back to Spock.

_ He could probably teach me a thing or two actually, my nails are kind of ragged.  _

_ Wait… Wasn’t I doing something important? I was… oh what was I doing, it was something important. Did I fall asleep while baking cookies or something? No, that wouldn’t give me this much foreboding unless they were Bones’s favorites I was burning. Oh  _ jeez _ , what was I  _ doing?

After a while of pondering, I gave up on trying to remember. For better or for worse, I’d remember when I woke up. 

 

It was a while into the infinite nothing that I realized I wasn’t dreaming. And that I didn’t really have a body. And the kind of scary part was that I didn’t know how much time had passed. There was no real way to tell time here, not by breaths, not by blinks, nothing.  _ If this is a lucid dream I’m going to ask Bones for advice on how to not do this again, this is both boring and terrifying at the same time.  _ I wanted to drum my fingers against my leg or tap my toe, something to pass the time or to make a noise, because jeez, if this was how it was going to be for the rest of this... whatever it was, I was going to go mad. 

_ Can I make a place? Can I will something into existence? Someplace with a heater? This cold is frustrating. Maybe a bar? Or the library? Wait only the library if books actually work in wherever here is. I can’t remember books word for word, that might be difficult. But um… let’s start with Erica’s bar and see where that goes. _

I tried to recall every detail about the bar. Polished quartz bar top, black with dappled gray, with Erica’s signature coasters advertising her bar in stacks every dozen feet or so; tall, dark wooden bar stools with comfy cushions. A high-tech looking DJ booth with big speakers, circular booths along the walls, and hazy cigarette smoke in the air. Clear glasses sparkling and glimmering in the pulsing light of the dance floor. It all slowly took shape around me. I was giddy with excitement, and tried to remember more. Scuff marks in the dark hardwood from spilled drinks and drunk idiots. How the light would flicker sometimes with the music or if someone ran into the wall that the electrics were hidden behind  _ just right _ . The way the top shelf alcohols were all lined up in a row, more showing off than actually being on the market. The bottles were always full up on the top shelf, because Erica couldn’t reach them. She had more of the expensive stuff in a crate under the bar to use. 

It took shape around me, and every detail I could remember was just right. I went behind the bar for a big bottle of soda and a fancy glass, and went to go sit at a booth. If I was going to sit here for who know’s how long, I was going to drink ginger ale to my heart’s content. And if I couldn’t taste it here, I was going to dream up a punching bag and go to fucking  _ town _ . 

At the taste of the best ginger ale ever, I smiled in relief. I luxuriated in having a body to touch things, but I was stuck in the slightly singed black shirt and pants. I couldn’t change my clothes, no matter how hard I dreamed of a sexy dress.  _ To fit the mood of this place, obviously. I’m glad I didn’t think of the smell of cigarette smoke. Shit-  _ fuck _ , dammit! Wait, I’m still not breathing, I’m safe for now. But damn I’m starting to get fucking cold.  _

I dreamed up a soft blanket. Thank goodness for small things.

 

So the blanket did nothing, but it was more for my peace of mind than actual use, so whatever. Jesus, I was cold. My fingers were really stiff, and my feet were numb.  _ Why am I so goddamn cold? _

The lack of breathing was starting to annoy me, I didn’t realize how nice breathing was till now. I didn’t need to breath here, but I wanted to be able to sigh dramatically in boredom.  _ I will never take deep breaths for granted again. _

It was an hour later? Two? Ten minutes? A while later, when I was staring at the backs of my hands that something happened. I was trying to memorize every detail, the little scar under my right pointer finger from when I was washing a cup and cut myself on the lip. The little freckle on my left middle knuckle. It was real fascinating stuff. Anyways, I flipped my hands over to look at my palms, but there were shards of ice coming out of my flesh. They looked really sharp, like shards of glass- it was like the condensation froze into little towers of death on my palms. It was also when I realized that even in strange dream worlds, you need air to scream. 

Nothing hurt or anything, it was just fucking  _ scary _ . My  _ hands _ were  _ frozen _ . And then my imagination took over, and the whole bar became an ice palace. Snow, icicles, deadly ice spears of death, everything. 

I dreamed up thick fur blankets to wrap myself up in, but it didn’t do anything to warm me. I was going to die. I was going to die in Erica’s bar, my flesh turning into ice needles. I took a sick happiness in breaking them to watch them come back. I was glad that nothing hurt. 

It was getting hard to move, on top of not being able to breathe, on top of being colder than space itself. Now I was frozen to a leather booth in a bar, staring at the underside of a table that I was about to get intimately familiar with. 

_ Oh god... _

__ _ What if this is how it’s going to be for the rest of my life? What if I’m in a coma and I’ll be stuck in my mind and all the terrors I can think of for the rest of my life? _

__ _ What if I’m already dead? _

__ If I were able, I would’ve sobbed when it started to snow.

 

__ _ Bones _

__ “Dammit Jim, you  _ fucking idiot. _ Why the hell have you got to up and get yourself killed?” I picked up an overturned office chair to sit in, propped it against the bed, and sat down heavily. “Jesus, punk, why has all the shit got to happen to  _ you? _ ” I yanked a washcloth off of a crash cart and scrubbed at my face. “You didn’t deserve  _ any  _ of this. None of it.” I sighed. “You know, Scotty says that Spock was a hurricane after you died. He stared at you for a few seconds, then that green-blooded hobgoblin went and tore through the ship to get Khan. That ass jumped into oncoming traffic, jumped on and off trucks and mag lifts chasing Khan. Damn near killed him too, beat him within an inch of his life. Uhura had to tackle him and sit on him so he’d listen.” I laughed, and tossed the washcloth off into the corner, almost hitting Sulu as he ran into the medbay. I kept talking. Everyone thought I was bat shit crazy anyways.

“Now I’m not saying that that fucker didn’t deserve it for orchestrating your death, and it was a death you know, your heart stopped. You’re still dead. Just a goddamn popsicle.” 

Sulu was staring at me strangely, just as I knew he would, but he shook his head. “Doctor Mccoy, we have the blood composite.”

“Good.” I got up and got a bunch of syringes. “Everybody knows that this is a longshot, right? No one’s betting the farm?” Sulu handed me the concentrated blood composite. 

Sulu paused before speaking, probably trying to bite back yells to  _ go faster, Bones, damn it all _ . “I think everyone is betting the farm, Doctor Mccoy.”

“Yeah I figured. Me too. And to answer your other question, the one about me not moving faster, we’ve still got to thaw her out.” I leveled a glare at him. I didn’t really mean it, and he didn’t really look all too taken aback, so I guess he knew I was just as annoyed as everyone else at how slow everything was going. 

“How-... I don’t want to know.” He cracked all the knuckles and joints in his left hand, one at a time. Must’ve been a nervous tic. “How long do you think it’ll take for her to unfreeze?” He looked over at the gray tin can that was keeping our captain’s brain waves at a constant level. The think was pristine, it looked too clean. It was like that stupid cryo chamber was sucking Jim right out of existence, erasing all traces of her. If it weren’t for the little window on the front, I wouldn’t have believed it was her in there. There was a Jim-shaped hole in all our lives, and we were all noticing it with dreadful clarity. 

“Unlike with freezing, which we had to do on quicktime to preserve her brainwaves and oxygen, defrosting will take longer. It’s not like we can put her under heat lamps, she might cook.” Sulu jerked, wincing. “Yeah, I know. That’s why we’ve got to do it slowly. We’ve got to get her core defrosted, which will take the longest. Once her circulatory system’s viable, We’ll pump in warm IV fluids, Khan’s blood composite, and run her blood through an oxygenator to keep her cells alive.”

“This is…” Sulu ran his fingers over his hair. “This is impossible. It’s just…” He shook his head. “I didn’t think anything could shake me after I sat in the chair. Which is probably why I’m not suited for it yet, I thought that I had seen the worst of it, that nothing could rattle me off my foundations like that had ever again.” He threw his hands up in the air. “Jim proved me wrong. Again. I’ve been shaken.”

“Luckily, I don’t think it can get much worse than this.” I put my hand on his shoulder. “I mean, you can only kill Jim Kirk so many times before she gets tired and goes home.”

That got a laugh out of everybody listening in. Soft chuckles filled the room. 

“Now the million dollar question. Where the hell is Spock?” Everyone was silent. “Nobody knows?” Shuffling. Nurse Chapel stepped forward.

“He’s... indisposed.” She pursed her lips, clearly not wanting to say more.

“Indisposed?” I raised an eyebrow. “Do you think he’d be okay to be in the room while we get started? It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing he’d want to miss.”

Nurse Chapel shook her head. “I don’t know. He was sitting in his quarters. He was completely still, like he was frozen. I couldn’t even see his chest moving. He won’t react to anything at all.”

 

_ Jim _

__ It must have been two forevers. Maybe three! Perhaps even  _ four _ , before I could move again. My joints were starting to unlock, and sitting up was like trying to wade through frozen syrup and wet cornstarch, but dammit if I was going to stay under that table lying on those cushions  _ one more goddamn second _ . I shook off the ice crystals, and whipped my hands through my hair to dislodge the snow that had settled there. I scrubbed at all the ice crystals on my skin, I never wanted to even see another ice cube for as long as I lived. No more ice. On the Enterprise, there was no winter, no ice, unless in the freezer. Boy I couldn’t wait to go home. I just wanted to go home. And I was going to set the temperature in my room to warmer than it was now. To 75 at least. 

I made all the ice around the bar disappear, I couldn’t stand to look at it right now. In fact, I was tired of this whole bar. I was going to fucking leave.  _ But where to? I don’t want to go to the Enterprise because I don’t want to ruin it if something like this happens again. What if it floods next time? Well as long as I don’t have to breathe that should be fine actually. Still, though. I always wanted to go to a dance hall. Maybe I can dream one up. _

__ So I did. Crystal chandelier, shiny wood square on the middle of the room for dancing, soft carpet all around. Round tables with crisp white tablecloths. I wouldn’t really fit the scene with my singed clothes, but oh fucking well. I was going to make Spock take me dancing when I woke up. Not club dancing though, something softer that wouldn’t freak either of us out. _ It would be awesome to dance in a place like this. _

_ That is, if I ever see Spock, Bones, Chekov, and Sulu again. I’d dance with any of them. I’d totally dip Chekov. Totally. Bones seems like the kind of person who would take the Lindy and rock it, though. Now  _ that’s _ a thought.  _

__ I sat down in a chair next to one of the tables, and thought up some tomato soup. I figured if I could think up ginger ale, tomato soup would be nice. Real tomato soup, none of that replicated swill. I also was pretty cold, and figured that hot soup would warm me up more.

_ I wonder what’s going to go wrong next…  _ I shoveled hot soup into my mouth and my eyes rolled up into my head.  _ I’m never going to be able to go back to regular food after this place, it’ll all taste like sawdust _ . Back to business.

_ How the hell do I get out of here? If I’m dead I obviously wasn’t consulted about this afterlife. Like hell I’m going to suffer through this with nobody here. Who’s idea was that? Certainly not mine. Also… How did I even get here? _

I took another sip of soup. _ Let’s start with that.  _

__ _ Okidoke. Start. What do I last remember? _

__ _ I remember Khan. And running. What was I running towards? _ I grinned. Jim Kirk doesn’t run  _ from _ anything. Jim Kirk ran  _ towards _ things. I drummed my fingers against the tablecloth, absentmindedly making it softer. I was running towards something important… A flash of Scotty’s red shirt, and even redder face came to mind. Scotty was running with me then, which probably meant we were running to engineering. Which meant that engineering was going to total shit. 

_ So, Scotty and I were sprinting to engineering to fix something. Probably something important, otherwise Scotty wouldn’t have run that fast. What would make Scotty run like that? The gravity simulators. But no, I wouldn’t die over that. Or fall into a coma. Whatever this is. That’s a stupid death. Jim Kirk only dies heroically. Hm. Not the gravity simulators. Those aren’t actually all too important. What could it have been? _

__ _ The warp core. That was probably it. That, or the still that I’m not supposed to know about.  _

 

__ _ Bones _

__ Nurse Chapel was right. That hobgoblin wasn’t reacting to anything. He was just sitting perfectly still on his bunk, staring at the wall. Well. We’ll see about that. 

I pulled the chair from his desk to right in front of where he was staring, and sat. This was how it was for a few minutes, us two staring at each other, unreadable. 

“Jim would want you there.” That was all I said. We stared at each other more.

And finally, he got up. He didn’t say a word to anyone as we walked out of the Enterprise. Not even to Chekov, who was running on and off the ship, helping to carry contaminated science experiments out of the wreckage. 

Spock didn’t say anything when we walked up to the hospital, didn’t say anything when we saw Jim in the special chamber that would warm her slowly, one degree at a time. He didn’t say anything when she was brought out of the chamber, said nothing when she was given the injections and warm fluid drip, and grinded his teeth when nurses began to clean her face with wet washcloths. Jim’s hands had been bandaged, they’d been torn up and burned all to hell. I was almost glad he wouldn’t have to see them, but he’d seen them bleeding in all their alive glory when he’d had to watch her die. 

He was silent when they artificially started her heart.

He was silent when she was moved to a sunny hospital room with a machine breathing for her.

I wondered idly if he would ever say another word again. 

 

_ Jim _

__ I jumped and danced in happiness when I felt the temperature gradually get warmer. I didn't know how long it took, hours? Days? Days of drinking ginger ale and trying to get drunk on scotch and bourbon but not being able to? Days of different soups? But all the ice had melted away, I could move my fingers without pain again, and I was grateful. There were times when I thought I could feel hands, on my shoulders, running through my hair, picking me up and moving me.  I was still cold, still stiff, and I still couldn’t breathe. Ugh.

But I was melting, thawing out, and I was  _ slowly slowly slowly _ getting warmer. My skin began to feel hot after a while, like I was under heat lamps. All the ice crystals were gone, my skin was back to being flush and pink and free of death spikes. 

And then something weird happened. 

You know how sometimes you just become aware of something? Like how sometimes your tongue just  _ can’t _ get comfortable in your mouth because you’re aware of it? Or if you have to breathe manually because you started  _ thinking  _ about it? I just became  _ aware _ of my own heartbeat. It was fluttery, soft, but kind of painful in my chest- if I didn’t know better I’d call it a heart attack. It was fluttery, but each beat thundered, they echoed, and they  _ hurt _ . 

And then I started to feel really dizzy, like,  _ really _ dizzy. It looked like I was starting to feel the whole no air thing. I clutched at the tablecloth, clawed at the table,  _ fell out _ of the  _ imaginary chair _ , desperately trying to anchor myself so something, anything, to try and make the dizziness go away. 

The dizziness didn’t stop, it kept getting worse and worse, and then it started to get really fucking hot. I didn’t notice at first with the whole oh god I’m suffocating thing going on, but pretty soon I felt like I was burning. The bone deep cold that I had been trying to shake for the past few days was a wishful dream. My heart wasn’t fluttery anymore, it was pounding. I could feel my heartbeat all the way down to my fingertips and toes. It  _ hurt. _

And suddenly- there was air to breathe, so I did. I gasped, sucking in hot air that felt heavy, like trying to breathe in smoke. I relished at the feeling of oxygen in my lungs though, because the dizziness was finally starting to go away. 

_ What if oxygen is an addictive drug that takes up to 120 years to kill us, but we don't know it because we're addicted from birth? _ With that happy thought, I spent a long time just breathing. I tried to smell something, but there wasn't anything to smell yet. So I stopped trying after a while. It was still awfully hot. But I could keep time now, I could count my breaths. I remembered that when I was calm and rested, my breaths were about four seconds long. I didn't really know what I was supposed to do with this trivia, so I just counted my breaths. 

I closed my eyes again, and delighted in being able to breathe.

I sat up when I remembered all that happened. 

“Shit. Wow. Spock’s gonna kill me now that I’m not dead.” I stared at the chandelier for a few seconds in silence. “Bones is going to skin me and give me a lemon juice bath. Oh boy…”

_ I wonder how badly that idiot pummeled Khan… _

 

By my breath count, it had been three days since my heart started again. Three more days of absolute nothingness, because books didn’t work here as I couldn’t remember all the words. In other words, it was boring as  _ all shit. _ I couldn’t even sleep, I was  _ aware _ all day long.  _ If this is what it was going to be like for the rest of eternity/until I wake up in the distant future, it’s going to SUCK. _

“You know what? You  _ fucking _ know what? I am going to eat so many donuts when I get out of here. I’m going to go to that specialty donut place and order  _ every single donut.  _ Bones won’t be able to stop me. I am a woman on a  _ mission. _ ” I got up and started flipping tables. Because I was angry that I didn’t have nearly as many donuts as I needed in this very moment. UGH.

 

_ Bones _

Three days in, and Jim’s brain was looking healthy. Ish. She had a mighty concussion from who knows what, we thought that she probably fell down in the warp chamber and smashed her head against the grating. Her cells were still recovering from the radiation, but the super serum blood composite was helping them heal themselves. We were keeping her in a coma to heal, as she’d probably try and move around and sneak out for donuts and mess herself up more. 

I was going to buy her however many donuts she wanted when she woke up though. Even the fruity pebbles one she’d been drooling over in her sleep. Even though it was frikkin’  _ weird _ . She’d hate the nutrient bags I’d have to hook her up to, so the promise of donuts was always a good consolation prize. 

I glanced over at Spock. He was sitting next to Jim’s bed, stoic. He was calmly tapping away at the PADD in his hands, probably beating the admirals back with a metaphorical bat. They were howling for a new captain for the Enterprise, the entire crew of which was on strike until Jim woke up. Chekov was helping to make signs to carry in front of the admirals’ office building, signs that usually said some variation of “We shall not be moved,” or “Our captain will always be JIM KIRK.” I supposed he got points for trying, but Uhura was there to help with more clever slogans. 

Spock hadn’t slept. It hadn’t gotten to the point of Chapel drugging his tea, but it was a near thing. The hobgoblin showed no sign of being sleep deprived, of course. No circles under his eyes, no shaking, no snappiness. Well, he might have been pretty snippy, but he only moved from Jim’s bed for hygiene and food, and was always back at her side within half an hour, and never spoke a word. We didn’t really have anything to go off of. 

Nurse Chapel walked into the med bay then. “Doctor Mccoy, did you see what engineering did to the admirals’ building this morning?”

I sighed. “What did Sulu and Chekov convince them to do this time?”

“Well… Something new. It made it on the news.” She walked over and handed me her touchpad. Banners were steaming along the bottom of the screen, and the headline read “POSSIBLE TERRORIST THREAT?”

I sighed again. “What did they even  _ do? _ ”

“I think they put powdered sugar in the air vents so that it’d dust over absolutely everything, and then released like 350 pounds of ants into the building.”

I whistled, leaning back in my chair. “That’s an impressive one. How’d they figure it was a terrorist threat?”

“Uhura is quite the artist.” 

“What?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Look in the photo gallery.” After a minute or two of searching Chapel’s layout of medical journals, I finally found it. 

Uhura had painted fire ants on gigantic signs and banners. The whole Enterprise engineering crew were carrying the signs, and there was a huge cloth banner strung between two poles that just said  _ ‘We ants are mighty’.  _

I looked up at Chapel. “Why ants? Did I miss something?” 

“Admiral Cartwright called the Enterprise crew a bunch of ants, small, quiet, and easily squashed. Uhura ran with it.” She shrugged.

“So it wasn’t Chekov  _ or _ Sulu this time, it was  _ Uhura? _ ” I put own the touchpad and scrubbed my hands on my face. “Who pissed  _ her _ off? I thought she wasn’t a huge fan of Jim.” 

“It’s not so much that someone pissed her off, it’s that she’s seeing Jim in a new light.” She pulled up an office chair and sat down. “And she’s still got a pretty big crush on Spock, and seeing him so hurt at what’s happening made her angry at everyone who was making it worse for him. The news programs haven’t disclosed that it was the Enterprise crew yet, I guess it’s been boring lately.”

The eyebrow was raised again, incredulous. “Even after a starship crashed into a city, killing thousands?”

“Everyone has their days, I guess.” She put her feet up on the desk. “No one’s noticed that the ants were fire ants yet. I’m sure they will soon.”

I opened up the news application again. Now they were saying that it was a stunt by the Enterprise crew in protest of the admiral’s efforts to write Jim off as a lost cause and immediately assign a new captain to the ship. No one was brave enough yet to go interview the crew yet, but some newscasters were speculating that this blatant show of disrespect for Starfleet would get everybody fired. Other newscasters were all for it, praising the Enterprise crew for acting in true Enterprise fashion; digging their heels in, squaring their shoulders, and standing tall in the face of impossible odds. 

I glanced over at Jim again.  _ I wonder what she’d say if she knew she was the catalyst for this revolution.  _

 

_ Jim _

“ _ VIVE LA RÉVOLUTION! _ STORM THE GATES OF HELL, MY LOYAL SOLDIERS!” I screamed at the top of my lungs from atop my rocky podium. I imagined cheers and war cries from below. The imaginary wind blew through my hair. I would lead them through the valley of hyposprays and angry Bones clones to the gates of Valhalla.  _ And then _ celebratory donuts for everyone. 

It had felt like weeks I had been here. I had changed the scene a couple of times to ease my brain from boredom, but I still hadn’t figured out how to change my goddamn clothes. Still dressed in a slightly singed and bloody black undershirt and pants. I could smell now, and  _ holy moly. _

Something new did happen though, and by god it felt almost as good as knowing that I was alive. 

I could hear things. 

Well, I could always hear things in my head, and I could hear myself talk plenty, which probably wasn’t good for my mental health, but... I mean, come on. Nothing about this was good for my mental health. 

I could hear voices though, up near the ceiling. They were muffled and distorted, like I was hearing them through water or through a wall. They would talk for a few thousand breaths, then be silent for a few thousand more. After two cycles of this, I thought to myself- _ what if they talk during the day?  _

I then hit my head against the table because  _ of course _ they talk during the day. So instead of counting my breaths-which was boring and tedious and I almost lost count like eighty times- I just tried to listen to the voices and started telling time by days. 

As the voices got clearer, I got happier. 

Apparently, fire ants had taken residence in the admiral's office building. It made me smile. I could recognize voices now; I could hear Scotty, Chekov, and Sulu plotting something together. I could hear Uhura taking to Nurse Chapel, Bones griping to everyone who would pay him any attention, and normal hospital sounds. It was music to my ears. 

It was a few days later that Frank and my mother visited. 

_ What is she doing here? And is that-? Oh great, who brought Frank along? What the hell is he even doing here? I don't want to hear his voice for the rest of my afterlife! What are they talking about, anyways? _

I listened closer.

I was too late to listen to why they were there. Frank probably wanted to pull the plug on me. I didn't really care… much. I smiled when I heard Bones insulting Frank.

"Good riddance. That man always made Jim feel like punching something. And her mother… I don't know why she came here today. It's been _two and a half_ _weeks_ since she heard about Jim, she couldn't have come sooner?" I heard him sigh. _Two and a half weeks? It feels so much longer than that._

"When do you think she'll wake up, Doctor?" I smiled at Chekov's familiar Russian accent.

"I don't know. She might wake up in five minutes or five years, if she even…" He paused. "Should be soon. Jim's a stubborn bastard like that."

I grinned.  _ You know it, you crazy, hypo-spray wielding doctor. _

_ So I'm not dead? Sweet. But where's Spock? _

 

It was three more days before boredom nailed me again. So I thought of Spock again. I could almost see him in the chair next to me, in the corner next to the window, walking through the hallways; blue uniform shirt perfectly spotless, not a single wrinkle anywhere to be seen, the two silver stripes on his sleeves signaling his rank as both Chief Science Officer and First Officer on my ship. His hair pitch black and shiny, his eyes the most beautiful shade of milk chocolate. His wacky eyebrows, pointed ears, and soft smile, barely more than a quirk of the lips, present on his face.  _ I make a very good mental Spock. Why does that scare me slightly? _

_ I hope he visits soon. I really miss his voice.  _

 

_ Bones _

That  _ fucking ass _ still hadn’t spoken a word. He sits by Jim’s bed every day whenever he has time, but he didn’t speak a single frustrating  _ syllable _ . FUCK.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m so fucking done with this  _ shit. _ ” I grabbed my communicator and dialed Uhura. She didn’t pick up. “Okay, fuck you for not picking up, seriously. This was important. Spock’s being a dick, he hasn’t spoken a word, knowing Jim she can probably hear us by now and she’s probably wondering where he is by now. Can you lean on him to fucking talk or something? I am done with this. Done.” 

I ended the call and threw the thing against the wall. It bounced off and clattered to the floor, skidding away completely unharmed. Somehow this fact made me want to throw it again. 

 

_ Jim _

Still no Spock. I tried to busy myself with trying to remember every conversation that happened by my bedside word-for-word. I failed; miserably. Nothing very interesting happened in my (now, I was making an assumption here)  _ white _ and  _ boring _ hospital room. That being said, I started to dream up a game of iSpy.

_ I spy something… green. _

_ Hmm… I wonder… could it be… THE TREE THAT YOU THOUGHT UP FOR THIS?! _

_ Whoa… this is the 30th time in a row you've won! _

_ Gee, I wonder why… _

_ Am I talking to myself now? _

_ Yes. _

_ That's a new low. _

_ Yes. _

And finally, after what felt like a forever and a half, I heard his deep baritone.

"Doctor McCoy, how is she?" His silky voice was like angels touching my ears. "Has there been any change?"

I heard Bones sigh in agitation. "No, you green-blooded hobgoblin. Of course there hasn't been a change. You asked me at lunch."

_ He's checked on me? How many times? Has he been here but not talking? BONES. YOU TALK A LOT. BUT YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING. _

"I believe you would call it curiosity and concern." Spock sounded sharp and crisp. "Jim is my captain, and my friend, I believe that that constitutes a measure of consistency in confirmations of her status." I couldn't help it, I giggled. In my head. Good lord this place is boring.

"Yeah, but you've been asking me  _ every four hours _ for the past  _ three weeks _ . I’m glad Uhura finally got you to talk though.”

_ Really?! Yay! Wait- does he sleep? _

“So it was you who set her on me.”

“Yes. What’re you going to do about it, punk?”

They talked and argued for few more minutes, and I relished in Spock's voice and movements. I heard Bones leave and Spock pull up a chair. He was silent, but I was happy that he was there. It took a few minutes, but just like that night with the bottle of vodka, the words eventually came out.

"Ensign Chekov and Lieutenant Uhura have attempted to explain to me the logic in speaking to someone when they will not wake up, but I fail to understand. Although, at the moment-… it seems like the right thing to do." He paused. I eagerly awaited his next logical statement. I could only imagine the conversation he had had with a stuttering Chekov and chuckling Uhura. "I apologize for not visiting sooner, but the Enterprise has had great need of repairs, as well as several debriefings that the acting captain was required to attend."

_ Yeah, those blood-sucking admirals could hold anyone up for three weeks. Three and a half. Whatever. I forgive you, that's the point. _

He sighed. "Our previous conversation was… startling, to say the least."  _ Oh dear… I hope I didn't make the wrong assumption…again. I hope he loves me too! Please, please, please, let him love me too…  _ "I had to meditate on the subject for several days, in the attempt to gather my thoughts on and after the incident. I have come to the realization that I do not wish to ever feel such fear and sadness ever again. So if you do, in fact, hear me while you are recovering, I ask you to please never do an act similar to that ever again." He let out a breath. "Please Jim, for me."

_ I can't promise it if you need me, Spock. But I'll do my very best. _

Spock then told me about everything he had been doing the past few weeks. The list included, but was not limited to; clearing the science labs of contaminated experiments, filling out every single piece of paper that found its way to his desk about the Enterprise, (he now needed a new desk, as the orderly stacks of paperwork were both numerous and exceedingly large), beating the admirals back with a metaphorical bat, (they had several recently retired comrades and several current captains gunning for the Enterprise, and I was eternally grateful that he had persuaded them to wait until I woke up to bring up the subject again), he was running daily checks on our lady's well being, and getting Scotty exactly what he needed to fix her up again by a series of threats, blackmail, sites of regulation, lawsuits, and Vulcan Death Glares.

He had also allowed the command crew to go home to be with their families for a few weeks while the Enterprise was repaired in space dock, run up and down the ship giving orders, trying to keep up morale, and delivering news about my status of recovery. All in all, he was running himself ragged, and I was a little worried. He told me about what he had done to Khan, and what had happened to the super-soldier while I was dead. Eventually he stopped talking, and I smiled at the fact that he finally had enough free time to just sit and talk with me like we always did. His presence was very soothing, and I felt giddy over the news of the outside world.

"Jim… The sheer complexity of human emotions baffles me at times, because from an outside perspective, emotions are simple."

_ Oh? _ I thought to him, as if he could hear me.

"Emotions are the driving force to survive. Anger, frustration, gratitude, sadness, joy, love; all are driving forces in a human's instincts. Anger to fight, sadness to mourn the things that are lost, hope to allow you to keep fighting." I heard a shuffle, as if he were shifting in the chair, sitting up.

_ You forget, Spock. You're half-human. That's more than enough to understand what is puzzling you. _

"But from an inside perspective…emotions are very complex. Being that I am half-human, I do not feel emotions as strongly as you do, as our many interactions and our friendship have revealed to me. I am unused to strong emotions, so my reactions are severe, and looking back at some of my early interactions with you, I realize that I may or may not have reacted the correct way." I heard him rub his hands together.

_ I'm confused… what are you confused about? _

"I am… worried about you. I want you to get better." His voice grew heavy. "I'm scared that you will not wake up. I am agitated due to the lack of structure my daylight hours seem to have without your near constant presence. I am…annoyed with the admirals for wanting to replace you so quickly after you were incapacitated." He sounded like he had a lump in his throat. A large, painful, and suffocating lump that he just couldn't swallow.

I heard him shift again, and I felt a touch on my hand. This was amazing, because I could feel my hands now. In my excitement, I forgot all about the fact that Spock was holding my hand. Of course, I remembered after my impromptu dance. 

_ Hey, weren't Vulcans touch-telepaths? I wonder if he can hear me… _

I felt around in my head for a presence, and at the very edge of my mind, there was a… blue. A Blue. I didn't really know what else to call it, it was just  _ there _ , and  _ blue _ . I got as close as I could to it, during which I may or may not have run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off trying to find where it was, and I… almost  _ smelled _ Spock. Well, it was more like I could feel that it was Spock, in the way that one would be able to tell whether or not a particular room on the ship was someone's favorite room or not. Spock smelled like bay rum and old books, with just a touch of antiseptic from the science labs. 

I was oozing happiness when I essentially tapped his shoulder. I was shocked when he immediately disappeared. I felt his hand jerk away from mine, and heard him jump. _ Huh…  _ I thought absently.  _ I guess I must have scared him. _

He sat there for a few minutes, presumably in shock, before sighing and getting up to leave. I think that he thought he must have imagined it. I listened to his retreating footsteps sadly.

_ Please come back soon, Spock… I miss you.  
_

**Author's Note:**

> Don't kill me please. More is coming. She lives. I promise.


End file.
